My friends, they love my intelligence
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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