remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
