the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
