And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
