DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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