He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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