Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
