Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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