Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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