Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
