So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You are a genius and a whore.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
