you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
