the condom got lost in my hair
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
