1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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