remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Houston, we have a squirter
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
