I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
