This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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