His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
