Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I looked at my own cervix.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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