Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
