I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
