someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
