Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
