I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
