Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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