do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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