apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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