I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
