i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
