I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
