I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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