yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
