i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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