The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
