Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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