Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
