How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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