my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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