I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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