I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
