It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
