can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
