i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
