just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
