I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
