I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
