He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
