If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
