Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
