How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
