the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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