I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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